Thursday, January 8, 2015

in the morning...

"Cause me to hear thy loving kindness
 in the morning; for in thee do I trust;
cause me to know the way where in I
should walk; for I lift up my soul 
unto thee."  Psalm 143:8 here we are on a new journey...completely separate from CDH. 
Upon returning home from Charlottesville, we were blessed with some much needed time to rest and soak in the sweetness of our little guy for three months. We all reflected on our "take-aways" from our time spent together enjoying Jude's first weeks in the NICU. Above all, each of us felt and experienced love from the Lord like we had never known before. Now, looking back, what a precious foundation was being established before this challenging next stage in the journey.
There was a hint of this facing us in the near future but only as he developed would it become apparent. Then, as it began to stare us in the face, it was time for his important follow-up neonatal visit.
We are currently learning that, apart from CDH, Jude suffered brain damage during his delivery and critical moments following his birth. His medical records reveal hypoxia, asphyxia, cardiogenic shock, loss of consciousness, and a severe build up of metabolic and respiratory acidosis. In addition, the intubation process failed three times and his heart rate dropped to 60, impairing the left ventricle, making an already critical situation worse. Jude suffocated.   
Jude's right side is mainly affected with low muscle tone throughout. He is significantly delayed in his gross and fine motor skills suggesting the condition of cerebral palsy that will require years of therapy. We've just begun.
Finding myself drained after each appointment, I'm discovering that His mercy is new every morning with a freshness and strength that instills peace all over. 
Early each day in the stillness of darkness, I awaken to the pitter patter of Jude's left leg tapping in his crib. He doesn't make much sound because, though he tries, he can't turn over or scoot. As I search for my slippers and robe to turn on a dim light, he greets me with the most delicious smile that would surely melt any mama's heart.  
As the realness begins to sink in that our child suffers with disabilities, I'm quickly reminded that though our health is important, we are fading from this life as soon as it begins. But our soul is eternal. I return to that assurance often because it greatly impacts my perspective as well as my responsibility in all my children's lives.       
The Lord has graciously loaned us a priceless gift...the life of sweet Jude. And with this gift, He has prepared a way, equipping us with every step, making us able. I am honored beyond measure to be called Jude's mommy.
We are reminded of David conquering the lion and the bear. Jude, by God's grace, has also  defeated a lion and bear (CDH and cardiogenic shock). Now it's time to fight the Philistine. It most assuredly gives me comfort to know the Orchestrator of such events.  ~Jen